Through the Rain

“You Hold Nothing”   Part of the unbinding ritual in Agatha All Along is chanting “You Hold Nothing” at the person who bound your powers until you believe it yourself. Today holds significant purpose for me, and it has held me back for too long. It is the anniversary of my mother’s car accident many, many years ago. It seems like no matter if I remember or forget September 17 th , it always comes back to haunt me, being a bad, unlucky day. Today, it holds nothing over me. I declare it to be true. I’ve had trouble with pain and exhaustion the past few days, pushing myself past my limits, yet as I type this, I feel a surge of emotional energy reaching out through me to all of you declaring it has no hold on you. What has been holding you back? What have you been afraid to let go of? What has been deep inside you all along that you have been afraid to unleash or have given that power to someone else? It’s time to take control back. The time is now. Take a few deep breaths. C...

Blogging   I found one of my passions, and I’ve been putting it off the last week or so, partially because I’ve been feeling bad about myself, partially because I’ve been afraid I had nothing to contribute and that I would fail. Writing, and blogging specifically has become a passion of mine. It is my outlet through which I reflect on myself and into the world key questions (I hope) that get people thinking. I know I’ve thought a lot about the questions I’ve posed recently. I was afraid that without a specific topic in mind at the start of each post, that I would turn into a puddle of goo. “Obligations” was one of my favorites though, because it offered insight into my passions without me having to do a deep dive into my psyche, a thirty minute mindfulness meditation, or being yelled at by anyone for being selfish and wondering if I truly am selfish being stuck in the inner thoughts of my life. Another form of writing I have “taken up” seriously in the last few weeks and mont...

Social Paradoxes   When I was diagnosed as autistic, my whole view of the world changed. Gone were relationships that I was struggling with and instead were relationships I was struggling unnecessarily to try to make work. I was diagnosed, and instead of people I had connections with, I saw the connections as strings of pure moments and strings of struggle that I had brushed to the side as “normal.” Everyone brushed them to the side as normal, and instead of getting help understanding what went wrong in those moments, I had to retrace my steps once I got diagnosed… once I had more information and keep getting more information… to make sense of what went wrong. It's not just my identity that’s wrapped up in “autism.” It’s my connection to every individual in my life. I have to go over each with a fine-toothed comb and figure out how much of the relationship was “us” and how much of it was their desires and me struggling to fit in with them. That is why I saw every relationship...

Obligation   I am writing to you today out of obligation. I don’t really have anything poignant to say, unfortunately, but I’ve been making a post pretty much every day, and it’s been a day or two since I made one, so it’s long past due. I’m realizing how much of my life has been made out of obligation and how much of it has been made out of wants and desires. Giving what I had started out as a desire to see everyone equal and happy. Nobody else seems to have that desire. The outrage over the latest assassination over a person who spewed nothing but hate from what I have been informed tells me that this country of “nice people” only care about their morals and values, not what led a person to do what they’ve done. That is pathetic. You want to talk about empathy, start there. Every human matters. EVERY HUMAN. And no, I don’t care if you think what you’re doing is right. Unless our choices harm another human being or our physical or psychological selves, not what you deem “our s...

The Walls We Build   Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I’ve gone back and forth on my answer to this question. The romantic in me says of course loving is worth it! But then the hurt part of me says that no, it’s not worth it to be hurt like this when they leave or by death. I’ve been thinking a lot about the different friendships and types of relationships I’ve had over the course of my life and how being gay and being autistic and especially how being diagnosed autistic has affected all of them. Being diagnosed was like a light switch went off, and not always in the best of ways. Some people have described it as a complete change in me. Most people I know now I didn’t know then and most people I knew then I don’t talk to now. Few understand. Heck, I don’t even understand. It seems easier to get to know someone these days than to talk to someone I knew pre-diagnosis. It’s like the walls I kept building higher and higher around my fake perso...

What the ‘Tism?—RSD   So I thought I was alone in something really, really bad that happens to me, and it turns out it’s another autism thing. It’s a little complicated to explain, so please hang on. I’ll try to make this as interesting as possible. I like my day to be pre-planned. I like to know what’s coming. Free time usually means a nap is coming or that I need some sort of spontaneity. This is where it gets… weird. You see: I can’t handle other people changing plans, but I can handle myself making plans on the fly. I don’t know why. I don’t know. Don’t ask. It’s an autism thing. The thing is, sometimes I get these overwhelming urges to be social, and when that happens, I reach out to a bunch of different people depending on who I think will respond, schedules, etc. IF I DON’T HEAR BACK FROM ANYBODY within a predetermined timeframe, a primitive part of my brain kicks in and tells my whole body that nobody loves me. It tells me I’m not valued. My self-esteem plummets to ...