Social Paradoxes

Social Paradoxes

 

When I was diagnosed as autistic, my whole view of the world changed. Gone were relationships that I was struggling with and instead were relationships I was struggling unnecessarily to try to make work. I was diagnosed, and instead of people I had connections with, I saw the connections as strings of pure moments and strings of struggle that I had brushed to the side as “normal.” Everyone brushed them to the side as normal, and instead of getting help understanding what went wrong in those moments, I had to retrace my steps once I got diagnosed… once I had more information and keep getting more information… to make sense of what went wrong.

It's not just my identity that’s wrapped up in “autism.” It’s my connection to every individual in my life. I have to go over each with a fine-toothed comb and figure out how much of the relationship was “us” and how much of it was their desires and me struggling to fit in with them. That is why I saw every relationship as a lie was because instead of just strands of pure moments, I saw all the little strands of people pleasing tied in with those relationships. Does it mean that the entire relationship was a lie? Definitely not! But does it mean that the entire relationship was just hunky-dory? Not exactly…

I’ve been trying to think of this as “how was I the victim in all this,” but it’s not as simple as fault on one side or the other or even “fault” to begin with. It’s not like people were holding up a gun to my head saying “do this thing I want to do or else.” I simply went with the flow, not being my own person except in moments instead of my entire life. Now I get to find those moments, piece them together into a mosaic, and say “this is me.”

I went into an autistic community completely unmasked messaging people and expecting to get along with everyone. Surprise! I didn’t. Turns out there is still A LOT for me to learn about boundaries and how to communicate. I’ve already lost friends, and I’m not afraid to say it was completely my fault. I have a personality I didn’t think I had, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I come on too strongly. I overshare. I still give too much advice, and a lot of people aren’t looking for advice. They just want someone to listen. It’s not so much a different personality as a more pronounced personality. I am coming into my own.

Have you fully realized your potential yet?

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