The Walls We Build

The Walls We Build

 

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I’ve gone back and forth on my answer to this question. The romantic in me says of course loving is worth it! But then the hurt part of me says that no, it’s not worth it to be hurt like this when they leave or by death. I’ve been thinking a lot about the different friendships and types of relationships I’ve had over the course of my life and how being gay and being autistic and especially how being diagnosed autistic has affected all of them.

Being diagnosed was like a light switch went off, and not always in the best of ways. Some people have described it as a complete change in me. Most people I know now I didn’t know then and most people I knew then I don’t talk to now. Few understand. Heck, I don’t even understand. It seems easier to get to know someone these days than to talk to someone I knew pre-diagnosis. It’s like the walls I kept building higher and higher around my fake persona just fell and I’m left like a bumbling idiot just being me, but a totally different me than the one they knew. Sure, I can pass off as the Mark they knew by text. That part is easy. But in person… I can hardly look someone in the eyes, I stim more, lights and sounds bother me more, I care less to hide the fact that I’m leaning in and lipreading to understand what you’re saying, and I’m less inclined to agree with you just to move the conversation forward.

I knew I was building walls around myself since my mother died. It was when I realized no matter how much someone loved you, they could never choose when they would leave you, but they would always leave you. That’s when I chose the “better to have never loved at all.” Years of tragedy sunk me deeper into the pit until I finally got out of it into a somewhat “stable” position in life. It wasn’t without its ups and downs, but I had people who showed me they cared for me and expected nothing in return, and that’s what changed my mind. Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean that a person will always be there for you, I have learned, but that their love is not dependent on anything you have to offer. It’s just because of who you are that they love you. Especially with my husband, I started tearing down the walls. It has been an absolutely terrifying process. Do you know how easy it is to tell a stranger your life story, and if they walk away with it and reject you, they are just one person in the entire world you will probably never see again? But your husband… if you say something to make him angry or saddened or anything negative, you still have to live with him! You are still there when the person is crying. I don’t know how to deal with a crying person! I wasn’t raised to comfort people in real life crying!

There are no more excuses. There is no one to teach me besides the people I surround myself with. I am the one responsible for my own growth. There are no excuses because I am the student and I seek the teachers myself. I read the books. I make the conversations. I listen to the podcasts. Growth comes down to what I decide.

Will you decide to grow?

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