What the 'Tism?--RSD

What the ‘Tism?—RSD

 

So I thought I was alone in something really, really bad that happens to me, and it turns out it’s another autism thing. It’s a little complicated to explain, so please hang on. I’ll try to make this as interesting as possible.

I like my day to be pre-planned. I like to know what’s coming. Free time usually means a nap is coming or that I need some sort of spontaneity. This is where it gets… weird. You see: I can’t handle other people changing plans, but I can handle myself making plans on the fly. I don’t know why. I don’t know. Don’t ask. It’s an autism thing. The thing is, sometimes I get these overwhelming urges to be social, and when that happens, I reach out to a bunch of different people depending on who I think will respond, schedules, etc.

IF I DON’T HEAR BACK FROM ANYBODY within a predetermined timeframe, a primitive part of my brain kicks in and tells my whole body that nobody loves me. It tells me I’m not valued. My self-esteem plummets to the ground, and it feels like a bipolar response, even though I’ve never been diagnosed with bipolar because it doesn’t fit the criteria for it. But it does fit the criteria for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I just found out about it a few minutes ago, and apparently it’s an autism, ADHD, and mood disorder thing though not found in the DSM yet. A lot of people apparently talk about it, so much so that there are pages of it on reputable medical websites.

Basically, I feel intense feelings that cause me to withdraw and get depressed. These happen when I am alone and trying to be social online when nobody is around to help. I’ve been combating this recently by literally telling friends “this is what’s happening. I’m trying not to do this”, and one of my friends was just like “could it be RSD related?” There are so many acronyms for so many things, I’m trying to take it one step at a time, but reading this makes me feel less like a psychopath and more like a human being going through a debilitating autistic trait. Just KNOWING about it makes it less powerful. It’s like knowing that depression is chemical imbalances makes the part you can control more in your power to control.

For those of you tempted to say “everyone experiences that,” it’s the difference between sadness and suicidal ideation; the difference between butterflies in the stomach and panic attacks that make you think you are dying. No, not everyone has RSD. And I’m not trying to once again paint myself as a victim. I am learning about what I already experience so I can have better control over it and weaken the control it has over my life.

What have you learned about yourself lately?

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