Through the Rain

Daily Energy I’ve been thinking about this a lot going through my first week of work and especially through my first weekend between work weeks. For once, I felt like the slow kid in class, and it did not feel good at all. I went from Honors College to barely comprehending six hours of information spread out over seven and a half hours with quizzes and questions sprinkled in. I was the one asking most of the questions. One thing I found out didn’t help is when the instructor decided to pull up the different screen with every question and show us in the “actual website” we would be using where the answer to the question would be. Usually, this would be very helpful indeed! Why didn’t it help me? I have no idea! Everyone starts with a base rate of energy. This is the energy they have without doing anything. Before they shower, go to work, walk even, they have an energy level. This is affected by how you slept the night before, what you ate, etc. I did everything I could to keep my energy...

The Autism Epidemic So Robert J Kennedy Jr has declared that autism is going to be the next focus… because he’s cut funding for research towards pretty much everything else. So, by September we are supposed to know the cause of this supposed “autism epidemic.” Except, if you know anything about how psychiatrists diagnose autism, then you already know about “why” said “epidemic” is occurring. He just doesn’t have five minutes or the correctly educated staffing to know how to proceed with this “mysterious knowledge, so let me give you a quick background without looking anything up, but from what I’ve learned in social work classes, okay? Health insurance companies like neat little boxes called “diagnoses” in which to fit a person’s symptoms. From there, they can base what medications and therapies a person might “qualify for” based on their algorithms or whatever. I’m not a health insurance person, but I know about the textbook psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers use to make...

Skills There have been so many things to write about and yet no energy to write that I have written nothing down. Hopefully this will help capture a snapshot of what I have been experiencing lately. Everyone starts learning different skills from the time they are born, whether they are aware of it or not. If they don’t practice these skills, then the skills either get rusty or just fall into disrepair altogether. Take my learning of languages, for instance. I took a semester of French. It didn’t take long for me to forget “all” that I learned in that semester. I took years of Spanish. I still know some words, but the near fluency I once had is far gone since I haven’t used it in years. The same goes for American Sign Language. These were skills that I practiced and honed until I got better and better at them. Then one day, I just stopped using them. The reason why might be a different blog post. For me, there are two types of skills: there are skills that are consciously learned throug...

Burnout When I first found out I was autistic, I was so excited! I had missing information I needed to fill in the gaps of who I was. But there was so much work to do that it was kind of overwhelming to think about. Plus I got a phone call from work about things to do before the start date, so I started working on that stuff. My “stress-less life” is coming to a close. I’m ready to tackle the next big thing…or at least I thought I was. Since receiving the diagnosis, I’ve had a sort of paralysis in doing anything, getting out of bed, making decisions, even forcing myself to eat. It’s not easy to admit, but it happens sometimes. It’s a problem with executive dysfunction. I talked to my psychologist, and she said to simplify my choices, make it easier on myself, try to schedule when I do things so I can motivate myself to do things during a certain time, etc. A couple days ago, I started getting sleepy and not wanting to talk to people as much. It started Thursday when I had a hang out wi...

A Surprise Diagnosis I thought everyone felt as alone and cut off as I did. I thought all the introverts felt as exhausted by social interactions as I did, even though I really enjoy one on one time with people I know. Getting to know people has become a new pastime I really enjoy! But I was “sure” I understood people better simply because I understood the loneliness that came from feeling like an island. Until recently, I thought I was just “a poet” or some other excuse as to why I felt emotions so deeply. Because I was so sensitive, I could help others be sensitive to their emotions. I was diagnosed with autism Thursday, March 20, 2025. Since you don’t contract autism, I’ve had it all my life, I just never “knew” I had it until people over the years, especially recently, pointed out that I was probably on the spectrum. I don’t know what made it apparent that I was on the spectrum, just like I don’t know what made it apparent to others that I was gay, but here I am! I thought that the...

Suspended I have been watching Hannah Gadbsy’s stand-up special’s “Nanette” and “Douglas” over and over for the past several weeks at least every other day. Watching “Nanette” today without the background noise of my phone or other devices really put into perspective why I have been so focused on those. Firstly, I think it brings comfort to my anxiety doing the same things over and over again. I’ve had major anxiety over finding a job, and I finally got the job offer!!! I will be starting a new job April 14th in the social work field helping families get childcare subsidies!!! Now I have anxiety until I start that job. The next reason I think I like it so much is that I think I might have autism, which is mentioned all the way throughout “Douglas.” A lot of what Hannah mentions I relate to. It makes me feel seen and connected in a way I’ve never felt before. Most of all, watching “Nanette” again, Hannah talks about being stuck in their trauma point. I feel for a long time like I have b...

Social Media Addiction Here it is. We all knew that sooner or later I would talk about the dangers of social media and how bad it is for you, even though I will probably post a link to this on Facebook and keep looking at my phone every minute or less. I’m watching “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix because after days of watching my favorite comedians over and over, I must turn to a documentary. It took a long time for me to post a next blog post because I had a job interview on Monday. I think it went well. They said HR would be in touch, but of course they didn’t know exactly when. I spent the entire week paralyzed by depression and anxiety because I didn’t know if the phone call was coming or when or if it would happen this week. So I scrolled Facebook. I messaged friends. I watched the same comedy over and over. I had to force myself out of bed, force myself to eat, force myself to act like everything was normal when in reality I just wanted time to shut down until the phone call. “Th...