Suspended

Suspended


I have been watching Hannah Gadbsy’s stand-up special’s “Nanette” and “Douglas” over and over for the past several weeks at least every other day. Watching “Nanette” today without the background noise of my phone or other devices really put into perspective why I have been so focused on those. Firstly, I think it brings comfort to my anxiety doing the same things over and over again. I’ve had major anxiety over finding a job, and I finally got the job offer!!! I will be starting a new job April 14th in the social work field helping families get childcare subsidies!!! Now I have anxiety until I start that job. The next reason I think I like it so much is that I think I might have autism, which is mentioned all the way throughout “Douglas.” A lot of what Hannah mentions I relate to. It makes me feel seen and connected in a way I’ve never felt before.

Most of all, watching “Nanette” again, Hannah talks about being stuck in their trauma point. I feel for a long time like I have been stuck in the trauma points in my life. Talking about it has helped. Therapy has helped. But I’ve defined myself by my trauma. I feel like I have moved past it, but I am just past it at the point of “what now?” I don’t know what comes next. I defined myself by my intelligence and religious superiority. Then I defined myself by my trauma. I have always defined myself by my productivity in a way. I don’t want to do that anymore, but I don’t know how to properly identify myself.

I am suspended in a world of identity crisis. The stores around me tell me to identify myself as their new product. The white knight part of me wants to identify myself as “helping people,” but I don’t know if that’s left over from the moral superiority complex I was raised in as a child or if I really do just want to help people. My earliest memories were of giving to people when I had something to give. Throughout my life, I gave when I had something to give, but even that turned sour when I lost everything and giving meant taking from my future self and my spouse. But even now, I am always looking for the next “Christmas gift” for our friends. I say “Christmas gift” to justify it, but really I think it’s my giving aspect coming out. But that was even before I had a job and we didn’t have money to spend on gifts! It was like being disabled and having to quit my job actually reset all my priorities. This Christmas, even though we didn’t have money to spend on gifts, my favorite part was buying gifts for our niece. Yes, that meant spending a lot of time shopping deals online and on apps and such, but I didn’t mind because it meant more time thinking about her and the joy she would have actually using it. And in opening the gifts, she actually interrupted what was turning into a heated conversation, so win-win! 

I’ve found joy in encouraging people. Perhaps that is the only thing I can focus on for now. Perhaps the rest can be suspended. Perhaps that can be enough. Perhaps.

What do you feel like is suspended in your life? Does it need action, or do you need a helping hand with it?

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