Through the Rain

On the Road to Happiness I’m trying to search for happiness like everyone else. I keep thinking there is a secret key, and that if I can just find it, my life will be much better. Unhappiness has been growing and growing inside me. I can’t figure out why; same reason I can’t figure out the why of the opposite. Everything is getting strained. Nothing seems like enough anymore. I can’t just let myself be. Every time I stop long enough to actually take a deep breath I want to cry. Most of our country voted for a man who has a terrible personality and character. Beyond that, he has proven the last few days that he has no idea what he is doing besides pointing fingers and firing people. This is no longer “The Apprentice” Mr. Trump. You’re trying to run a country, and somehow you think you have the ego to know everyone’s job well enough to appoint people who lick your feet AND know their area of expertise well enough to solidly run the country. You have divided families more than probably a ...

My Own Worst Enemy At the beginning of my time spent by myself without a job, I told myself that I would work on me. I would be productive and use this time and not fall into depression. Well, I used the time to be productive. But in that productivity, I was so scared of myself that I refused to be alone. When my thoughts of decluttering weren’t enough, I would listen to upbeat music. When I needed a break, I would watch TV, and when I couldn’t watch TV, I would listen to reels and podcasts and whatever else I could get my hands on. I told myself that I was reflecting inwardly. I was either reflecting too inwardly, or I was simply too scared to see what was actually inside. I was avoiding myself. It's all come to a head the last week or so. My growing discontent, the house being nearly decluttered, or me being unhappy with the way things have been decluttered, growing distant from my husband but telling myself that I was growing independent and finding my voice. I think it was all ...

People Pleasing…Again Though I mention my husband in this, it is not about my husband. It is about me. What I say about my husband in no way reflects on him but how I perceive him, and that is what this article is about…that and how I perceive people and their opinions and expectations in general. I have been very discontent recently. I started a kick on minimalism, but I also had a realization that everything we own pretty much is four years old or older, and most things are falling apart and might need replaced. I still don’t have a job, but the steps to getting a job are getting closer and closer and closer every day. I have hopes that within the next month or two, I will have a job. I am excited to contribute to the household financially again! I feel like this has been a great time for me to process trauma and to find out what needs to stay and what needs to go, but I’m starting to squander it a bit. I thought my new hobbies of minimalism and food shopping and cooking were all goo...

Consumerism vs. Minimalism I am being torn apart, and I don’t know who to talk to about it. I don’t know who would understand it. I’m going through a minimalist period, but it seems like the more I get rid of, the more I find I didn’t get good quality this, or that is falling apart, or this no longer fits, or I’m about to start a new job and there’s a 48 hour sale on brand new Cole Haan’s that take them from $200 to less than $70, but I still feel guilty spending that much money when we aren’t supposed to be spending money on unnecessary things. Plus see minimalism above. I have two comfortable pairs of dress shoes that I would love to keep, but I don’t know if they are up to snuff for the new job I might be getting soon. A lot is up in the air. Plus there are boxes everywhere. I am researching things left and right trying to find the right deal for the right quality, and it seems like there is no right answer. It’s like the South Park episode about voting between a giant douche or a t...

But I Don’t Want To! I am forcing myself to sit at my computer and write. I guess the honeymoon period of me writing my blog is over, or it has been taken over by all the YouTube videos and podcasts I have been watching over the last week or so. While at first I thought I was finding my personality, I recently thought between the blog and the minimalism and recently the shopping (mostly food), that I was finally getting my life organized and that my thoughts would follow. My OCD followed. It was usually always in the background except for when I was fully anxious and really stressed out, but I was never stressed out until my husband noticed the piles of clutter I had decluttered, and then it hit me. As soon as he noticed, I noticed. I could only see the spaces I was clearing out, because that’s what I was focused on. He was working tirelessly and coming home to piles of bags and boxes all over the place and couldn’t see the clean spaces because the junk was still hiding the clean space...

Anger I hesitate to write this because it’s so raw for me right now. I just got through with therapy and tapped into an emotion I’ve been feeling more and more: anger. For those of you who haven’t been to years of therapy like I have, anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that it’s an emotion that only happens when a deeper emotion triggers it. I’ve been feeling anger more and more at injustice. I won’t go into details about my therapy session, but there’s the phrase “anger turned inward is depression.” For so long I’ve been in depression that to feel anger is so new, so empowering, so scary! Anger was always used as a weapon against me, usually violently, but I’ve also seen it used with passion in speeches to speak truth when others were too scared to speak the truth. I’m used to depression. Now, I’m finding my voice. I’m finding my passion again. I have no idea what social work and injustice has to do with minimalism and organization. I know that emotionally and mentally and physical...

Helplessness at the Hands of an Angry God There are a few places where we feel absolutely helpless in life no matter how much we plan for it. Weather does whatever it wants to. No matter how much snow the meteorologist predicts, the sky will do what the sky wills to do. And Public Works will do the best they can with the staff they have. That’s a whole other issue. I’m talking about what’s out of our control, and weather is out of our control. Snow, a tornado, a hurricane, a flood, out of our control. Genetics and health, out of our control. The wait at the doctor’s office, out of our control. No matter how much we plan on our week looking a certain way, things always mess up our schedule. Take my Botox appointment for instance. I started with one doctor, then moved onto her student. Then moved back to her doctor for a few appointments while they switched me to a new student who I was supposed to meet this time. A couple weeks ago, they changed my appointment to a neurologist. I don’t ...