Procrastination Gets Us All

But I Don’t Want To!


I am forcing myself to sit at my computer and write. I guess the honeymoon period of me writing my blog is over, or it has been taken over by all the YouTube videos and podcasts I have been watching over the last week or so. While at first I thought I was finding my personality, I recently thought between the blog and the minimalism and recently the shopping (mostly food), that I was finally getting my life organized and that my thoughts would follow. My OCD followed. It was usually always in the background except for when I was fully anxious and really stressed out, but I was never stressed out until my husband noticed the piles of clutter I had decluttered, and then it hit me. As soon as he noticed, I noticed. I could only see the spaces I was clearing out, because that’s what I was focused on. He was working tirelessly and coming home to piles of bags and boxes all over the place and couldn’t see the clean spaces because the junk was still hiding the clean spaces.

As soon as I saw what he saw, my heart shrunk. I was adding more stress to him, and I totally didn’t mean to. As much as I say I can empathize with people, a lot of times it takes someone straight up saying “this is affecting me this way” for me to get out of my head and actually see it through their eyes. And this is not easy for me to say because my pride wants me to say that I’m good at seeing other people’s perspectives. It took me SEVERAL times for the message to get through my thick skull how it was affecting him and the household. All I was seeing was me, me, me. I felt a little better. I felt like I was finally doing something to contribute to the house, but in reality I was just making it more tense and anxious around the house.

So, I’ve been trying to focus more on myself and my spending habits. It turns out, the more time I have, the more alone time I seem to need. Even though I have it most of the day, to lift up my mood, I’ve been listening to music and videos. Well, that overstimulates me over time. And it took me until last night to realize just how overstimulated I was. I needed alone time as soon as we got home from grocery shopping. I had a great day, but I didn’t want to watch anything on TV. All I could think about was my minimalism and food shopping and buying less YouTube videos (and trying to read the books I got from the library), but my brain had just shut down. I didn’t want to do anything.

I have another confession about the blog. I saw that there have been more and more days with 0 people reading the blog, and that discouraged me. I lost sight of why I did the blog in the first place. I posted it on Facebook and the next day got 35 posts read. I don’t know what it is about Facebook, but I’ve been trying to spend less time on it. Adagio, Tiesta, Republic of Tea, and other Tea stores as well as JC Penney, Macy’s, Puma, Athletica, and other clothing stores have ads everywhere on my feeds. I was a shopaholic from about November through mid-January when they had their deals, but their deals are slowly running out, and as I’m getting rid of stuff, I’m finding less and less stuff that I actually need. That’s not to say my wants list and my carts aren’t full! But after a few days and an email or two reminding me that I still have items in my cart, I can go through and say “I found this at a better price here” or “I don’t need this” or better yet “I don’t need this NOW”. Sometimes if I spend a week or two, which is a VERY long time for me to consider something, and I really want it, I will ask my husband, and he will say of course! We went to a store last night and a can opener was $14. He was sticker shocked. It was two dollars cheaper than I thought it would be, and I had done the research, asked his sister if it was a good brand, and reading the description, it said it was easy on the hands, which is becoming more and more important to me if I’m being vulnerable. I haven’t had many accidents lately, but I want to start having a little more quality instead of replacing things every couple years. Plus, I’m worried about my health. Sure, I’m not working, stress is low, my symptoms are pretty low. But what happens when that changes?

Anyways, the point I wanted to get at is I want this blog to be first and foremost for me and my mental health. I want the decluttering to be for the mental health of the whole household, not just mine. I don’t care if it takes longer and more waiting and I have to learn to live with myself. It’s been a while since I’ve done any actual trauma processing anyways. I feel like I’ve been procrastinating more and more with the things I don’t want to do, and I’ve let myself do it. That’s why I’m blogging. That and to wait for my breakfast pizza to heat up.

What steps are you taking to get past the things you don’t want to do in your life?

Comments

  1. Paul LaureJanuary 24, 2025 at 11:41 AM

    I can take the piles of clothing out of the kitchen and donate them at Light of Life on Sunday. One of us can call the animal shelter one of these days on Western Avenue and see if they could use the blankets and towels and then most of the clutter will be gone.

    ReplyDelete

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