On the Road to Happiness

On the Road to Happiness


I’m trying to search for happiness like everyone else. I keep thinking there is a secret key, and that if I can just find it, my life will be much better. Unhappiness has been growing and growing inside me. I can’t figure out why; same reason I can’t figure out the why of the opposite. Everything is getting strained. Nothing seems like enough anymore. I can’t just let myself be. Every time I stop long enough to actually take a deep breath I want to cry.

Most of our country voted for a man who has a terrible personality and character. Beyond that, he has proven the last few days that he has no idea what he is doing besides pointing fingers and firing people. This is no longer “The Apprentice” Mr. Trump. You’re trying to run a country, and somehow you think you have the ego to know everyone’s job well enough to appoint people who lick your feet AND know their area of expertise well enough to solidly run the country. You have divided families more than probably a lot of presidents before you. Doesn’t that make you happy? Something that you can actually put yourself on a pedestal for that’s actually valid? I mean, you could say you’re like the founding fathers in that they wanted to start a war…

Blaming DEI hires for jobs they aren’t qualified for when you put Robert Kennedy Jr. who has health disabilities and qualifies as a DEI hire himself who many would argue is not qualified for the job is hypocrisy. Being married to an immigrant and then deporting all immigrants of working, legal, and other protected (and unprotected) statuses is quite hypocritical.

Someone once told me that the things I don’t like in someone else are usually the things I see in myself that I don’t like. I have biases. Everyone has biases. I am uncomfortable around children because they remind me of innocence and trust that I had betrayed as a child, and I haven’t gotten past that yet. I was yelled at last night via Facebook because I thought we should try to take care of our problems first before engaging in other countries’ problems, but that was received as me being a Trump Republican. There is no middle ground anymore. Politics has made sure of that. You are either on the side of US vs THEM or US and THEM. Let me assure you, there are bad eggs in both categories; US (which you don’t want to believe) and THEM (which one group is too eager to vilify (much like other groups in history that have not been looked on favorably in history books).

No wonder I can’t sit by myself anymore. All this hatred and negativity I let around me, yet I feel it’s my responsibility to know what’s going on. And all that tension has affected every aspect of my life. And I don’t want to delve into a vulnerable place with trauma when I no longer feel safe anywhere. Not even my home feels safe anymore. It’s not because of Paul or me or my neighbors. It’s because the world has become a scary place. Love has been replaced by fear. Trust has become hatred. And the man in charge has nothing but bad things to say.

I have no smart questions to ask this time. I’ve run out of ideas. Want to build a blanket fort while the world ends?

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