Finding Passion

Finding Passion

 

Passion is something you usually don’t think about until you see it or experience it. It’s talking about that first sip of coffee in the morning that makes your soul just feel alive on a good day. It’s your “hobby” that’s actually your obsession that other people have told you to shut up about, but you don’t want to because it is just SO INTERESTING and you want the world to know how cute baby sloths are and that sloths poop only once a week and sleep curled up hanging under branches and awwwwww….

Ummm… Yeah. It’s when your friend’s face lights up and fifteen minutes have passed and they apologize for five more minutes for rambling, but you don’t care because you were so caught up in what they were talking about, whether or not you were interested in paranormal gay fantasy comics before, you sure are now for twenty minutes because gosh darn it, someone you care about has a heart for it, and it’s important to them, and you can see their heart pouring out over it!

I’m rediscovering passion. For so long, I’ve been afraid of emotions because they usually lead to panic attacks. Sadness leads to numbness and depression. Happiness leads to excitement and then panic attacks. Anxiety leads to panic attacks. Feeling safe leads to worrying when I will get stabbed in the back, which leads to… panic attacks. Ever since the traumas have hit my body and mind, I’ve been working my way back to “center,” which I always thought was peace and calm. The opposite of calm is excitement and passion. Those are actual feelings which might stir something that triggers the fight/flight response.

My husband hates being mentioned in my blog, but he and I were talking last night about what brings me joy. I told him more of where I was headed with the identity stuff and about finding my true self, and he is totally on board helping me find a way to find purpose through it again. Talking to people is great but has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently. I need to find ways to find joy on my own with the little energy I have.

Burnout won’t last forever. My deepest fear is that I am broken and can’t be fixed now—that I won’t be able to find a job suited for me anymore. It would crush me to have to rely on other people and feel useless, mostly because I love to give, and I don’t feel right giving other people’s money.

I wish I could find my passion and make it make money. I’m 33 and don’t have forever to find what I’m passionate about.

What are you passionate about?

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