Every Day the Same

Every Day The Same

 

I don’t know how to pass the days anymore. I don’t want anyone to get concerned, but my body has almost literally shut down. Most people when I describe my days might seem like I am lazy. Heck, I feel guilty and feel lazy while my husband works his butt off while he needs rest just as much as I do, but my body is at the point of literally shutting down. I don’t use “literally” as everyone else does in the figurative sense of metaphorically shutting down. I mean, I’m typing as fast as I can and already my eyes are starting to droop a little bit. It’s okay when I am doing very, very low energy things like “listening to music” without any words and not really listening to the music. Watching TV engages my mind too much that after fifteen to thirty minutes, my brain starts to drift. I have fallen asleep during texting conversations now. I set it on my chest. My arms hurt literally too much to get it off my chest to look at it, and before I know it, hours have passed.

This is a new level of burnout. My therapist warned me to do just the basics, but I keep feeling so guilty that I do things like dishes and organizing and trying to clean if I can. I want to help others, so I have conversations with others that I probably shouldn’t have that aren’t completely life-taking. And it’s a stupid way of looking at it, but giving advice isn’t something I should be doing right now, but it makes me feel useful and purposeful and gives me fulfilment. Besides, when you’re awake at 1 and 3 or 4 and 6 am, what else are you going to do in those minutes before your mind shuts back off?

Anyway, the resounding question is what am I going to do next with my life? For now, every day is the same of sleeping, waking up, eating if it’s time to, taking meds if it’s time to, sleeping, etc. Not only is every day the same, but it’s difficult to keep track of the time. My body is asleep so much that it’s hard to gauge what part of the day I’m in. I just don’t know how I let myself get this burned out. I tried to take care of myself, and then when I got the autistic diagnosis, it’s like a light switch flipped, and my sleep schedule changed weeks before that to napping during the day and never fully resting at night. I would get two hours of sleep, wake up. Three hours, wake up. Another two or three, wake up. Go about my day. It hasn’t stopped. And lately, my body during the day has just been crashing, like “girl, stop. Full stop. Dead stop.” And I have no choice. And the pain is there to make sure I have no choice. I wake up just to wish I was asleep again.

I’m ready for the next step of my life, whatever that is.

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