The Reason for the Blog

The Reason for the Blog

 

The original thought behind the blog was for me to write my experience and hopefully gain a following of people to educate them on what I had experienced and maybe of people to see that they weren’t alone. But the original thought of the blog was to write out my trauma so others could see it… just to get it out of my head.

I wrote my 100th post, and seeing light at the end of the tunnel, I thought I had come to the conclusion that I needed a break. Or, more vulnerably and pridefully, that I had reached a new level and no longer needed a blog. I was ready for something new. I was ready to make “an actual difference in the world,” and a blog just wasn’t going to do it.

I lost sight of what the blog was for, and in losing sight of it, I lost a coping mechanism that I had used for months, thinking I no longer needed it because I was in a good place, and because I was in a good place, it took me a while to realize I needed it back. I didn’t need views or the one comment I get every three or four posts. I may not even share to Facebook. But I needed me back, and writing has become a part of me. It’s what I do. I express myself. I can’t do it in words easily, but I can take time to formulate them into text.

New line. New chapter in life. This one isn’t brought on by a major shift in jobs or a major emotional change. It’s just me realizing I need this. Writing has been a part of my life for quite a long time looking back, and stopping… I don’t know why I ever did. I wrote poems at an early age. Then I switched to journaling in notebooks in high school. I stopped writing when things became too overwhelming in college, and then took up writing in Partial Hospitalization and for a while after that to keep myself sane. Then the letters. The blog. There has always been this reaching out to be understood, but I guess I never felt that in person as much as I wanted to in writing. At least in writing I could pretend that every nuance was taken into consideration, that my point was clearly understood.

Someone told me that it was all well and dandy to write a blog, but who was the audience? It was one thing to write to express yourself, and few people would read it and personally want to understand you, but it takes a paradigm shift to write to a broader audience. Maybe I wanted the world to understand me all along. Maybe I wanted the world to see me and connect with who I was and see themselves in who I was all along.

Maybe I just wanted to understand myself?

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