I Don't Know

I Don’t Know

 

I think that’s the whole point of this post. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know why I posted that last post. I still don’t know if it was a mistake or not. Part of me believes it still is/was. I hate being vulnerable like that. Disabled people aren’t allowed to hate their disabilities like that openly. We are supposed to accept it with quiet dignity, perhaps complain about the struggles that come along with it. Certainly never scream “I hate autism!!!” I thought the night would give me more peace, but the more I think about the incident, the less peace I feel, so I have to let it go for good.

You would think by this time that I would be good at letting things go, but I don’t know. It gets a little easier, but mindfulness and meditation have made the relaxing pretend to be easier. I don’t know if that means the forgiveness takes place or if the body is just tricked. I don’t know.

I don’t know where I’m going from here. Part of me wants to see this unveiling through, but it cannot survive at the same rate it happened during my diagnosis. I had a pure meltdown, and I think burnout at the same moment. It was public, and it was nasty. And if you didn’t think it was that bad, you weren’t in my head.

I should have known I was different when I came out. I described to my dad and to many other people that it wasn’t just a change in how I saw guys sexually. It was how I viewed every single relationship with anyone I had ever met, and it had nothing to do with sex. I didn’t know what a crush was or liking someone as a friend. I couldn’t tell the difference between being a friend and being a boyfriend or heck, someone’s “special friend.” The ONLY thing I could tell was what physical aspects I wanted to do with a guy and not with a girl. I had to try to glean from conversations from my peers how they felt about girls and tell myself I didn’t feel that way about anyone, and then by the time I admitted to myself I felt that way about most guys I was friends with, it was too late.

So I don’t even know about friendships. Maybe that’s why I don’t know as much about communication. Maybe because autistic people don’t tend to see social structures the same way other people do. I’ve stood up to teachers and ex-convicts with the same tenacity as my peers, I didn’t care. People saw it as “courageous” and “brave.” I just saw it as an injustice about to happen, and not on my watch, honey!

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just want to cry for once. I’ve been wanting to cry for a while. It would be nice to let out some of the tension and emotion building. The more I don’t know, the scarier it is for me. Life is getting scarier for me as an adult learning all the things I should have learned and either forgot or never learned correctly.

I do know I love my husband and maybe a handful of friends. Even that has been on shaky ground recently, but we will see it through. These friendships were made to last.

I wish I knew something.

What do you know? What do you not know?

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