Calm

Calm

 

Yes, I am up at 5:15am and have been since I got my usual 4:30 email called Bridges of Light. It’s a positive outlook on life by Dr. Shawn Chapman Brooks, and I’m glad I randomly ran across it. It’s a free daily newsletter that is also on his page on Facebook, so don’t feel like you have to get his newsletter like I do. But the main reason for bringing up the time is that I feel calm. Yes, of course I am a little tired, but I am calm and at peace. I put on my headphones to listen to some music, but I have nothing planned today.

I feel like I can finally leave most of the past behind me. I can take a few breaths and decide to let the weight of the past go. That doesn’t change who I am as a person. It doesn’t change the voices in my head, though another lesson will be learning which voices to listen to and which I can politely ignore until they quiet down. For now, I will just wait until my husband wakes up to make us coffee and have coffee.

I am still debating on a special interest to have. Perhaps I am putting too much thought into this. All my interests are drawn into mental health, encouragement, making your life better, etc. But that’s not something that you can really talk to your spouse about every single day. You need baby animals and hobbies and “oh, look what I saw today” and other things. I just don’t really have that. Too many options and not enough I guess. The problem is I don’t know how to make something “mine.” I’ve had so much practice blending in, and I’m still terrified of letting down that wall. I’m afraid if I start letting it down, it’s not just going to have a few cracks, the whole thing is just going to collapse. And I’m not ready for that, to be the full, autistic, unabashed me. I need my wall to hide behind just as much as you need it to see me as somewhat normal.

For now, I am basking in the near silence of the morning. It’s not depression. It’s not executive dysfunction paralysis. It just is. I am just in bed enjoying the morning waiting for the world to wake up… and it is beautiful.

It would be so easy for me to get caught in the trap of hating myself for so many years being stuck in therapy and the mess I was in to come out where I am today. It seemed like it happened almost overnight that I was okay with my past. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I had new problems that seemed more pressing to work on, so I focused on those instead. Perhaps my autism diagnosis just put everything into perspective. And being in level 9 pain for over a week because of shattered teeth also made everything else seem insignificant in comparison.

But honestly, without the support I’ve received from people, it wouldn’t have been possible. It was the people who took time to give me attention when I needed it most that I would sincerely like to thank. I know that I said I was there to vent to, and some people were both there to vent to and there to vent, which is what a friendship should be! I would definitely like to thank my husband for being my rock and my support through it all even in the tough times. He does not get nearly enough recognition that he deserves as a kind human being. He is known as “the litter guy,” but he is so much more than that. That is just what he does to make the world better for the animals and the environment. He encourages me and asks how I’m doing. He puts his needs aside. And he truly asks for nothing in return. But he doesn’t want to be well-known like everyone thinks he does. He is the introvert that is slowly getting more equipped every day to be put into the spotlight, but truly does not seek attention. I love that about him. He helps the environment because it helps him, not for accolades or attention or an attaboy. And he will probably be annoyed that I said anything at all about him in one of my blog posts, but I don’t care. I love him.

I hope you find calm today no matter what you are going through. Look for it and it will be there.

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