Just Being Grateful

Just Being Grateful

I have had a lot of ups and downs the past few days. From seeing friends I haven’t seen in a few years to being sick to finding out I can find a job to political climates shifting from bad to worse. All of it has affected every part of my life, and I have forgotten to be grateful for what I have. My husband and I just came back from a shopping trip where we were able to afford groceries for one (maybe two) weeks, and on top of that invest in a thermos for his work. You’re thinking “a thermos that costs $20 and you use the word “invest” why???

I’ve been listening a lot about why we shop for things to make us happy and what we should actually bring into our homes. I forget exactly what the five questions are that The Minimalists ask themselves before every purchase to see if it’s worth bringing into their homes other than “does it spark joy” which is what my husband seems to rely on (and no, that’s no judgement on him, he uses joy and if we can afford it as his two standards of shopping, which is fair). I actually had to convince him to “spend a little money” on something that he’s going to use long-term instead of just buying the cheapest thing at the store that he wasn’t really happy with to begin with. I’m used to researching, but I didn’t know his qualifications, and I didn’t know what was going to be at that store on that day, so we went together. Just as he was about to give up, the last option I handed him he was like “it’s either between this one or that one”, and he liked one better, so we bought it. He chose what he liked best, and since we had gift cards (which we have been diligently using as if it were our own cash), we spent money on it.

Now, am I going to tell him that I found tumblers he wouldn’t have liked for way cheaper at a different store for a lot less? No. What would be the point in that? They weren’t thermally insulated for hot coffee, but could probably insulate cold drinks, but he wanted something that could handle both. They came with straws, which he didn’t want, and they were much lower quality. They didn’t even say if they could keep things hot or cold. They just said “tumbler.” I was tempted to buy one for myself because they were $5, but I stopped myself because I had no purpose for it, and it would just take up space until (if) I needed it.

But this is about gratitude. I’m grateful that I’m once again looking for a job more full-time. I put all that stress aside for the opportunity to declutter the house, but I need to contribute to the financial well-being of the house and the mental health of my husband other than just cooking and somewhat cleaning for him. Though finding a job might mean me doing less of that for him, and us seeing each other less, I cannot wait to be productive and to feel like I am helping other people again. I feel like I cannot help myself unless I am helping other people. That is a sad statement but true.

Also, I feel like I am finally being heard, by myself and by other people. I am finally learning how to make my voice understood by the general population as well as identifying my feelings. The problem is that for so long, I have been controlled and pushed around unknowingly by those closest to me, and it hasn’t been until I started pushing back that they started to notice, and they aren’t happy about it at first. I think the thing is, you never know what you are doing until someone points it out, and then it takes some time to evaluate yourself and decide if that’s how you want to keep living or if you want to change and then make the hard steps to change. 

I love my husband, and my husband loves me. I have been changing so much over the past few years, and I am so grateful that he has been along for the ride and has supported me in everything. It must be a whirlwind for him trying to adapt to everything I throw at him, especially the past few months. Having meltdowns, being traumatized again, going back to Partial Hospitalization, losing my job, finding a new job, all while changes in finding myself and my boundaries and voice and making plenty of mistakes along the way… it hasn’t been easy for him. I’m just overwhelmed with gratitude that he’s with me. I want to make life easier for him, and I also want to find out who I am, which has been really tricky trying to balance the two!! I think I fail at it, but I will keep trying.

What are you grateful for today?