Gratitude for Health

Gratitude for Health


This one is almost ridiculous after all I’ve been through. I have a lot of mental health issues. I have worsening physical issues. Why would I be grateful for my health? I am grateful because it’s not worse. I am part of a couple support groups on Facebook that have members who have very nasty symptoms. One group chooses specifically only to focus on the positives. Sure, there’s a post every day for those who want to vent in the comments section, but if you don’t want to engage, you don’t have to!

I have Functional Neurological Disorder. I was diagnosed first with essential tremors and dystonia. Dystonia is basically a combination of muscle spasms that are neurological in nature as well as a host of other neurological problems—loss of balance, chronic pain, non-epileptic seizures, etc. If you have mental health issues or have been through trauma, or if the neurologist misdiagnoses you or doesn’t feel like it, they can diagnose you with Functional Neurological Disorder “instead” of dystonia or as well as dystonia. What does this label do? It says the neurological part that causes the physical symptoms is due to psychological symptoms, and that it’s a psychiatrist’s problem to fix you. Yes, you still see a neurologist, but they basically refer everything back to your psychiatrist. It’s so frustrating that chronic pain, not being able to see because your eyes are spasming closed, and falling after running fifty yards can be considered “psychological,” but that’s our health care system right now. The most frustrating part of the whole thing is that losing stress has actually caused me to lose most of my symptoms, so somehow the two are really connected!

I lost my job because of it. I couldn’t handle the symptoms. But I’m grateful for the time off. It’s forced me to come to terms with the fact that I have identified myself by my productivity. I was smart in school and hard-working at work. I had to be the best for my self-esteem, and even that wasn’t enough. Losing it, first by being on FMLA and then by losing my job altogether has forced the question in front of me: where does my worth come from if I’m not doing anything? It hasn’t been intrinsic so far. 

I can see the good in other people most of the time. I just can’t seem to see it in myself. Someone was able to pick up on my intelligence when I thought I wasn’t intelligent anymore, and she did it the first day of knowing me. Things that I thought I had lost might just be buried beneath something that I cannot lift myself, but I’ve been too unable to ask for help. Well, no more. I am grateful for my health. I cannot turn back and just be grateful. It is time to help others if I can with their mental health. And as far as physical health goes, I have learned more about diet in the past 24 hours than I have in a long time!

Are you grateful for your health today?

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