People Pleasing

Her Story

The first few days of Partial Hospitalization, they throw you in the regular routine, but they pull you out to do paperwork and intake stuff. It’s a constant rotation of clients, and since COVID, it’s been on Zoom. So the first day I’m in and out of the meetings but get to listen and say what I want to say if I want to chime in. One of the first people I met in Partial Hospitalization, I immediately judged harshly because she listened to what the facilitators were teaching, tried it by text with her husband, her husband immediately shot her down, and that was the end of it. Her face drooped, her entire countenance dropped from somewhat hopeful to defeated, and that was the end of it. I had never seen someone give up so easily, and I told her that. Not in those words, obviously! I was like “where was your spark? It’s like it’s gone completely out, and it makes me sad to see.” Then I was taken in for my intake for suicide and hit by a brick wall with my own shortcomings in life, and that I had come up against ending my life on many occasions, and that was me, by myself, without having to take care of a husband and kids and a household etc.

The next morning before we started, I raised my hand and asked if I could say something. I immediately apologized. I said that I was wrong to judge her after spending two minutes with her, and that I was reminded quite rudely in my own life what depression and anxiety had taken from me. She had been fighting those things as well as other things I couldn’t even imagine. And I went on for five minutes encouraging her and complimenting her for how brave she was for even trying the new thing the facilitators gave her right away! I was about ready to cry because I felt like a real a hole and I was just so sorry that I had judged her so harshly.

She immediately went off camera, which is never a good sign. That usually means that the person is too overwhelmed with emotion or stepping away or something. It was a good five minutes before she got back on, and she was already stand-offish to me, but she just gave me the cold shoulder indefinitely after that. I asked several of the facilitators one on one if I did anything wrong or what I could do to fix it, but they said she couldn’t handle compliments well. So I made it my goal to see if I could sideways compliment her in a way she could receive it. Most of the time it didn’t go too well. But I think I drew a slight smile by the end.

A couple other amazing stories with her and the facilitators show just how amazing both are. She had a problem with brightness and lights, and honestly I did too. I just didn’t know it until the facilitators worked with her to make darker screens on the presentations with dark grey screens. It was SO MUCH easier on my eyes! I think I was still overstimulated from work, and my mind just needed less stimulation. I couldn’t look at TV for long for a while. I couldn’t look at my phone for long for a while. Even now I’ve been watching TV a lot and listening to music a lot and feel like napping a lot because it’s just overwhelming, but I love to blog. Anyways, the most of the people running the groups would either send the notes to us on the app beforehand or use dark backgrounds or something while she was there, and always checked with her to make sure it was okay with her. They made accessibility top priority, and they made it not a big deal. If it didn’t work one way, they would try a different way. If it didn’t work that way, they would try a different way. She would constantly apologize, and they would always say that she never had to apologize. She had the right to information just like everybody else.

Another thing that came up was the compliments again. So I think one time I think someone else was bold and said “you’re a great mother”. And since I’m not a mother, I didn’t join in the conversation, but I just sat back and watched as all these people joined in and said one after the other fact after fact after fact that she was a good mother. Okay, one thing to point out. There’s like, ten counselors, psychiatrists, doctoral students, PhDs, various professionals who all are “on these calls” doing other things with their screens blacked out kind of listening in just in case they are needed. For this, nearly all of them joined in. It was overwhelming to see a display of solidarity with people taking just a few minutes out of their day to say “yes, you are a good mother, and this is why”.

She started crying and saying her mind wouldn’t let her believe that because SO MANY people had told her that she was a bad person and a bad mother and XYZ. The person in charge put it so beautifully. She said “okay, so on your chart of everyone who has said you’re a bad ______, you have all these data points. You can’t change those in your brain. All we are asking is for you to make another side that says everyone who says you are a good __________, and put these data points there, because there are these people who know you as well as you are letting them know you, and they are saying you are good! And it’s not ruling out the bad that your brain says are there. It’s just making space for people who say “well, maybe I am good at this”.

So that’s my challenge to you. Maybe you can’t take a compliment because your brain is saying “that’s not true.” Maybe ask your brain why it’s not true? Is it because too many people in my life have told me it’s not true? If that’s the case, I have one data point that says it is true! And go from there. Small changes change lives.