Drunk Uncle Boundaries

Did That Seriously Come Out of Their Mouth?


We all have that friend or family member who we wince when cornered by. They lock eyes, and it seems the conversation never ends. Worse, it seems like they have opposite views as you do, but they don’t care. They just nod their heads until you nod your head and pretend like you’re enjoying the conversation. Then they take that as their cue to continue for half an hour more. If someone tries to save you, there’s a 50/50 chance they will be pulled into the conversation too, depending on how skillful they are it could lean more heavily on the side of damage.

I get you.

There are fortunately many Facebook reels about this very topic. Just keep researching “narcissist” and eventually Facebook will point you to these very people. Some of them don’t possess empathy. Some of them have no idea what another person could feel or think besides themselves. They are stuck in their own corner of the world.

I am no expert in this, but I took classes on boundaries and empathy and had a lot of experience in people with no empathy, so I’m learning how to address boundaries, which are basically “I feel (an emotion) when you (an action) and if you don’t stop doing that, (consequence), then follow through”. It’s a very complicated thing very simplified. You’re basically telling a person I feel offended when you say something that goes against my belief of justice, and if you don’t stop making those racist remarks, the conversation is over. And eventually, if you have enough of those conversations, the conversation doesn’t end, the relationship does. If a person won’t respect you enough to stop a behavior that is making you feel uncomfortable, then do they really care about you?

Boundaries are about putting your mental and physical health first. And at first glance, for a person who is empathic and giving, that sounds selfish. But if someone is taking and taking and taking and giving you nothing, it’s a one-sided relationship. And that can only run its course when you run dry…when you are exhausted, burned out, or dead. Whether that person is in a one-on-one relationship with you or a drunk uncle you see during the holidays, that relationship is unhealthy.

I will admit I’m not strong enough to implement strong boundaries this Christmas, so I am taking a baby step towards that end. I am taking note of everything (or at least a few things) that trigger me, and then going to identify why it triggers me. What does it make me feel on its most simple level, and why does it make me feel that way? What experiences does that connect with that made me feel that way? I’m going to learn about myself. Then the next step will be how can I use this information to counteract the mean words (words can be mean even if the person doesn’t intend for them to be mean) and confront the person, see if they understand how I’m taking it and how other people are taking it, and how bloody racist it can sound.

I hope you can keep me accountable! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Merry Kwanzaa! 

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