My Own Worst Enemy

My Own Worst Enemy


At the beginning of my time spent by myself without a job, I told myself that I would work on me. I would be productive and use this time and not fall into depression. Well, I used the time to be productive. But in that productivity, I was so scared of myself that I refused to be alone. When my thoughts of decluttering weren’t enough, I would listen to upbeat music. When I needed a break, I would watch TV, and when I couldn’t watch TV, I would listen to reels and podcasts and whatever else I could get my hands on. I told myself that I was reflecting inwardly. I was either reflecting too inwardly, or I was simply too scared to see what was actually inside. I was avoiding myself.

It's all come to a head the last week or so. My growing discontent, the house being nearly decluttered, or me being unhappy with the way things have been decluttered, growing distant from my husband but telling myself that I was growing independent and finding my voice. I think it was all BS. I did my meditation yesterday afternoon and nearly cried, both at the pain my body experienced from finally being at rest for once and from finally just breathing. I don’t think I breathed in a while. I was forcing myself to be too busy. Too busy shopping. Too busy making the house minimalist. Too busy fighting the forces within myself that said we need this, but not right now, but we can get it on sale, but we shouldn’t spend the money, but we need this, round and round.

I don’t know if anyone has read enough of my blog posts to know this, but I mentioned that I saw a couple cooking videos that I wanted to try out. I bought the ingredients. I tried one recipe, and it flopped. I didn’t try the other two. I was confronted by it, so I made a plan today to do one today and another next week. We have the ingredients. They will last long enough. I just have to have the courage! And I needed a kick in the butt to tell me to do it or stop dreaming about who I wanted to be. I am reminded of Yoda’s quote about there is no try, only do or do not. I am literally waiting until almost lunchtime for me to start cooking. It cannot come soon enough! Yes, I will be ambitious, but I don’t care. I want to prove to myself that this is who I want to be. I don’t care what the other person said. Change is difficult! But you have to pull up your big boy pants and just do it or else nothing is going to happen!

What have you been waiting to do but have been too scared to try? Now is your opportunity!

Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 30, 2025 at 2:00 AM

    You can’t worry so much about failure with new ambitions to make a positive change Believe me when it came to cooking and flops we all have had them. Don’t let it deter you from it. Experience and like the little train that kept trying I think I can I think I can you will too!
    You will find you will be better at some dishes than others. Hang in there!

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