Making Sense of a Complicated Mess

Vulnerability and Empathy


I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Brene Brown and her Netflix special A Call to Courage or her TED Talk on shame and vulnerability, but she is an amazing speaker, researcher, and social worker. A lot of things started making sense tonight after watching her special again. I need to be more open and vulnerable. I need to stop lying and having secrets. I need to be open with people close to me, no matter how much it hurts them, because it’s hurting me, and they have no idea.

My blog posts have mentioned me donating a lot of my clothes, books, and other items in my house. My psychiatrist and husband and friends all thought it was a bad thing or could potentially be a bad thing since I have OCD. It turned sour at one point. I’m not going to lie. But they made me paranoid that I was going crazy, over the top, and needed to stop for my own health. Well, it’s time for me to be vulnerable. I told my husband I would only say nice things about him, and that is what I am going to do. He works hard and now has the only job in the household. That compiled with my past issues of laying around the house all day with depression when I had nothing to do have made me very wary of not having a somewhat scheduled life. Yes, there are things I could be doing differently, but if I don’t get to it one day, I’ll get to it the next day. It’s not like I plan on working myself tirelessly out and then have a hurting back when he gets home. I just love doing what I’m doing so much for the first time in a long time that it brings me joy to make the space look less cluttered.

For now, there is more clutter as a lot of things need to be removed from the household. That was my fault for not listening to my husband. I take full responsibility for that. I should have kept donated things organized and out of sight so it would just look clean instead of “cluttered” with piles of donations. I should have been listening to my husband a lot more about what he needed. Instead, I was on a one-track mind about what made the house look good and what I thought I needed. I’m so sorry!

Another thing is that it seems like the more I change, the less I’m on the same wavelength with everyone. Brene didn’t have an answer for that. One suggestion she did have through a story she told is “the story I’m telling myself is XYZ” and then the other person can correct it or validate the story through open communication. I have been scared of communication lately. I have withdrawn into myself. Things have been easier to deal with than people. Vulnerability is terrifying, especially when there is so much to be ashamed of. Even though I feel like I’m “getting better,” I feel like I’m being treated the same way that I’ve been treated for all my life, and that no longer fits me. I’m changing now, and I wonder how the people around me are changing with me. I want to inspire gratitude in myself and others instead of the dread and anxiety and disdain that I seem to bring up in a lot of people lately. I just have been trying to find my voice, and I don’t like it yet. It’s too loud and not me. So I’ve stopped speaking for the time being. It’s not a solution. Watching this special tonight reminded me to find my voice and be myself, no matter the cost. Love, belonging, and joy are lost without it.

What does vulnerability bring up for you?

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