Just Being Content

Stop! Wait a Minute


We just watched an episode of Queer Eye, and the show is all about finding the beauty within yourself and being content with who you are and finding joy in the now. I got inspired…until I sat down to write this blog. Then I got on my phone and got a push notification from Target. The new weekly ad had come in. Since it’s the beginning of the year, everything is about healthy eating, taking your vitamins, working out, etc. But pizzas are buy one, get one half off. Two weeks ago was the same thing. I LOVE pizza. Even at the core of my identity growing up, I never grew out of my pizza phase like everyone else seems to do. I eat pizza every other day if not once a day. I’m excited!

But I started thinking about canvas storage bins again. I know it’s just another obsession, just like getting a grill was, just like narcissism and boundaries was, just like a lot of things in my life have been. I want my house to be HGTV perfect, but I need to be grateful for what I have. I think if time equals money then I must not be doing something right, because even though I am severely disabled, I have time, but that doesn’t equate to money. I feel like I’m doing life wrong. And I may not be the only one.

I feel like there’s this huge pressure on me to get it right. First it came from my family. Now that I’m not speaking to most of my family, it comes from myself. There’s this voice in my head always telling me I need to do better, be better, So I focus on what I can focus on in the moment to distract myself from that voice, but it never really goes away. 

I’ve been struggling for resolutions for this year, but I think I have one, and that is contentment. Resolutions are supposed to be specific and measurable goals. I was on my phone almost two hours more this week than I was last week. That’s not good! I want to stay at or decrease the amount of phone usage each week (unless that counts random Spotify being on while I do things around the house, in which case, I don’t care), but definitely less shopping, Facebook, and worrying about money apps. I want to devote at least one hour a week on my special project, and blog at least every other day (or 3-4 times a week). Readership is down, and I don’t know if it’s because readers have grown weary of my blog or because my writing style has started to change perhaps, but I will try to look into it.

I want to capture more moments of happiness. I have almost no photos of myself because I think I’m ugly. I need more self-confidence. And I want to take pictures of good meals and hikes if I ever get on them again with friends and family. Adventures! My husband is so adorable there are many times I wish I could take his picture and capture the moment forever because my memory isn’t what it used to be, but he is as shy as I am if not more so.

I feel like I am finally living life, and now that I am, I want the world to see. And more importantly, I want to be okay with that. All my life has been a struggle. Struggles aren’t over by far, but I think I finally have my mental health in a more stable condition than it has been in years. I want to find inner peace, and I feel like I am getting closer and closer. I got off on the wrong path by trying to diagnose everyone and getting defensive. I don’t need to therapy everyone and help heal everyone. I just need to be. And that’s what I’m struggling with. Just being.

How are you at just being content?

Comments

  1. AmyJanuary 13, 2025 at 5:12 PM

    I like the resolution of being content. I think it is something many people struggle with. We just finished reading an excerpt from Walden in my English III Honors classes, and Thoreau really emphasizes the idea of being focused on simplicity, and not being envious of others, and really just focusing on what is really necessary in life. It is a tough piece to get through, but I think the message is impactful.

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