Being Gay Part 2

AND NO, I AM NOT GAY!!!!

Trigger Warning: Talk about porn

So everyone blossoms at different ages, and it affects how we socialize with different people. Who becomes our friends and who we don’t even talk to centers somewhat around who we are attracted to, who we are supposed to be attracted to, and who we find common interests with. I was fortunate to be one of the smart ones in my grade. The nerds had their own clique that spanned gender. It wasn’t the jocks and the cheerleaders or groups like that which had to be separated into boys vs girls, which was good for me, because most of my friends were girls. Well, most of my friends were boys until the ages of seven or eight. Then we all drifted apart. I became interested in science and religion and movies, and they became interested in girls and cars and sports. I still don’t see the interest in girls and cars and sports.

Through the years, I had a couple emotional crushes on girls, and I thought “this is it! I’m straight!” But it never led anywhere. I liked the mental connection and the being able to have a conversation without having to worry about “do I have a crush on this guy. Am I hiding it. Am I acting normal. Did I just do something wrong. God, help me!” I never really realized what it was that made me so different until I got into porn.

Even then, it was senior year of high school, and I carried my shame into freshman or sophomore year of college. My parents didn’t visit me once except to help me move in. Then I cried confessing this to them on a Friday night, and they surprised me by driving the three and a half hours to pray for me, install a filter on my computer so I could no longer use YouTube or any media search whatsoever, and wished me luck before saying goodbye…and I remember feeling more alone after their visit than before the phone call to them. I continued “wrestling with Same Sex Attraction (SSA)” throughout college, and in a talent show, even proclaimed that I was still single and no, I wasn’t looking. AND NO, I WASN’T GAY. I was just deeply hidden in my Goodwill closet. 

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