A New Direction

Can I Just Shut Up?


I am so tired of talking. These past two days have stretched my social energy to its limits and beyond. I have social anxiety, and talking seems easy until it is over. Then it’s like running face first into a brick wall. You never know how much energy it really takes until it wears you down. There are signs that you’re starting to run on empty, but when you’re face-first less than six inches away from a relative’s face, you can’t take a second to see the smoke start to pour out of your ears. You sit at the couch, and they sit with you. You face the TV, and they either pretend to watch with you for a couple seconds until they dive back in or not even pretend. 

I don’t mind the face to face talks when it’s just us though. Talking without more stimulation keeps it at a tolerable level. With a movie playing and three more conversations trying to be heard over the movie, I can’t hear myself think, much less what the other person is trying to tell me. I have processing problems even when it’s just my husband and I. He keeps saying “I’m listening even though I’m just doing X, Y, and Z”, and I tell him that’s not the problem. The problem is that I need to order my thoughts into the next ordered thought and the best way to word it in the correct order so I don’t miss anything I want to say. It still makes him frustrated. I don’t blame him. It makes for very long, awkward pauses in the midst of conversations, and I still don’t know the specific tones of voices to end sentences or conversations. For that matter, I don’t  know how to start a conversation without it making it seem like someone died or that I lost my job. I said “maybe I should start with ‘It’s no big deal, but,’ and he said, ‘how about you just start talking about what you want to say without needing a big intro?’’ I had never thought of it that way.

I think I have some level of autism, and I don’t throw that around lightly. Several people I’ve met over the years have thought so, including Paul, myself, and my Office of Vocational Rehabilitation counselor who has experience in diagnosing people with autism. He basically said “if your psychiatrist doesn’t diagnose you or refer you for an assessment for autism diagnosis, tell me, and I will get you an assessment for it, because I believe you might be.” It might not change anything, but it might explain some things, like why communication seems to be so difficult and different for me. Why I learned two other languages to communicate with other people but realized I had nothing to say, and why I am so excited about therapy and helping people change the ways they communicate with each other to better their lives with each other!

All that to say, I’m tired of talking bad things. I’m tired of talking trauma. So for a while, I’m going to take a break from trauma posting, or at least try to. I’m going to try to focus on the positive and healthy. My goal is to do this until at least New Year’s and then pick up on what I learned at Partial Hospitalization Program. So join me, if you dare!

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