Through the Rain

Uncluttered I don’t even know how to start this one. I just spent a couple hours decluttering my house like I usually do through the course of the day, and it’s only 9am. I tried starting a blog entry when I first woke up about listening, but it all just seemed overwhelming. I overwhelmed myself within the first few minutes of waking up! Whatever voice is pushing me to do something, do more, do it right, do it perfectly…it’s not shutting up. It’s out of control. Breathe. Deep breaths. I’m going to do a candle meditation, and I invite you to do it with me. Hold out your finger in front of your mouth as if it’s a flame. I know you look silly. So do I. Breathe in for the count of four…two. Three. Four. Hold. Two…three…four…Breathe out two—three—four. Suck in like your life depends on it slowly two three four. Hold two three four. And calmly out two three four. Imagine you are taking in the air of the fire as a fire-breathing dragon…three four. Hold that fire in your belly… three four. And...

Helpless I am reminded of a time one of the students close to us died. We never talk about it. The kid was in a grade below me in high school, and he was friends with some of my band friends. He was too attractive for me to talk to, and I already had a difficult time talking to people. His friends never introduced me. But he was nice. Not the nice like “the murderer was a nice kid. Quiet, but nice.” He was a genuinely nice person. Everyone at school seemed to know that he was a kind, compassionate person.  I went to his viewing. A lot of the school did. Most people trickled in and out. It was a large place, but there were several hundred people who came.  It was difficult to believe it happened. I stayed for a while in solidarity of my band friends. I wanted to comfort them. This was after my mom died, and I knew that words couldn’t bring comfort. Hugs were awkward and only helped so much. I had watched all the videos and read all the books and knew that just being there for p...

Dear Evan Hansen Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide I’m behind the times. I know this. I just watched “Dear Evan Hansen,” and most of this post will be about mental health, because the musical/movie is about mental health and suicide. I was deeply afraid of watching this even though so many people raved over it and thought it was the best thing ever when it came out. My husband found the movie on a streaming service and was like ???? So I said sure, let’s watch it. I knew the basic premise of the first half of it because of the soundtrack, but nothing about the second half of it. I’m not going to spoil it for anyone who still has yet to see it, but go watch it!!! It is intense. It is not violent, nor is it gory at all. But it talks about mental health and suicide. A series of misunderstandings and bad decisions turns into one huge mess that nobody can climb out of, but the main character in the end does the best he can do to rectify the situation. It’s not perfect, and there’s no sat...

Her Story The first few days of Partial Hospitalization, they throw you in the regular routine, but they pull you out to do paperwork and intake stuff. It’s a constant rotation of clients, and since COVID, it’s been on Zoom. So the first day I’m in and out of the meetings but get to listen and say what I want to say if I want to chime in. One of the first people I met in Partial Hospitalization, I immediately judged harshly because she listened to what the facilitators were teaching, tried it by text with her husband, her husband immediately shot her down, and that was the end of it. Her face drooped, her entire countenance dropped from somewhat hopeful to defeated, and that was the end of it. I had never seen someone give up so easily, and I told her that. Not in those words, obviously! I was like “where was your spark? It’s like it’s gone completely out, and it makes me sad to see.” Then I was taken in for my intake for suicide and hit by a brick wall with my own shortcomings in life...

Hey Mark... Think Fast!!! Please forgive me. I’m still reeling from the movie “Tick… Tick… BOOM!” my husband and I just watched about how precious time is. I made a whole other post that got away from me. I didn’t know how to end it, and I feel like it might need to be its own series rather than what I wanted to say New Year’s Eve/Day. I wanted to talk about the power of small steps. I’m sure you’ve heard the laughability of it, but did you try it, and if you did, are you laughing now? The popularity of the New Year’s resolution seems to have died off around the crowd I hang around… and my circle has gotten a lot smaller on Facebook. What do you want to change about yourself in the next year? Where do you see yourself in five years? Where do you see yourself in ten years? I hear these questions mostly in seminars that want you to think what they want you to think. But I want you to think about what YOU want to think about.  I’m a list person. In Partial Hospitalization, they had a ...

Let It All Burn To The Ground No, don’t let it all burn to the ground. Then you would be left with nothing but grief and nothing to start from. Change comes slowly and from using what you already have. I had a brilliant idea as I was falling asleep for a blog post, but of course I didn’t write it down or type it up, so poof it went! I needed some time by myself (which isn’t that difficult since I’m alone when my husband goes to work in the mornings as I’m searching for a job). I made it my self-care today to stare into a candle for five minutes and put on some music, hoping that would rejuvenate me. I was also hoping it would inspire me to write a post. I’ve been holding off on what I’ve been learning in Partial until after the New Year, making way this past week for change and hope and New Year stuff, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I felt like Christmas just went awry in my attempts at changing others. And I shouldn’t have been seeking to change others in the first place. So I’m sittin...

The Lives We Live I feel like I’m leading three or four different lives right now. There’s the blogger life which I have to keep going at all times and process everything emotionally, and don’t get me wrong. It’s fun! It’s what I need! It’s just… like a lot of trauma processing… exhausting after a while! I love it, but everything I love turns to expectation, from myself mostly and then from “others”: outside voices that tell me that I need to do something or that whatever I’m doing is wrong or I need to do more of it or whatever the case may be. Don’t get me wrong. It’s gotten me through very rough times and keeps me motivated nearly every day. Most days, actually. But after Partial, I found a new spark of joy and motivation within myself. It was because I felt like I was helping myself and helping others help themselves. Encouraging other people to find the spark in themselves to empower themselves to break free of something holding them back…there’s nothing like it! But after Partial...