Why Can't We Be Friends

Why Can’t We Be Friends

 

I spent so much time trying to be friends with people that for the first time last night, I called myself an extrovert, and it seemed true in the moment. I want to connect with people, yes on a deeper level, but also on a positive note, whether that be a smile and a good morning or whatever. I may not be the life of the party, but my facial expressions always seemed to make me one of the most dramatic when I had something to say.

What I wanted to say was this morning I happened to stop chasing friendship, and it found me. I started a few conversations with guys from the men’s chat from the NeuroSpicy Community group last night, and one lives in Australia, so of course the conversation ran a little later because he’s 14 hours ahead of me. 9pm my time was 11am the next morning for him. Then the next morning for me was the evening for him. We talked about autism and how it affects our health. He has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and a lot of our symptoms overlapped. He asked several good questions about my physicality and vitamins, I gave him a few identity and autism pointers because he’s a little (but not much) further behind than I was on figuring out who he is.

The thing is… I spent so much time trying to become The Friend to people so quickly that I forgot or didn’t care that true friendships build over time. I was so starved for attention that I needed texts NOW and if you didn’t answer, I would move to the next person and the next and the next. I got frustrated that nobody was meeting my needs, but nobody could meet my needs because even I couldn’t identify my needs. I had to take a step back, identify what it was I was feeling, and then move from there.

It's weird, but I’ve been using self-care apps starting yesterday, and I already feel better day two. Stretching, drinking water, and the usual hygiene stuff. Tai chi hurt less today than it did yesterday dramatically. I read somewhere that it hurts worst on day three and starts feeling more energizing after one to three weeks. That was for more of an intense tai chi bootcamp style workout though, so I’m not sure.

It is nearly silent here today, and for once instead of giving me anxiety, I am breathing peacefully. I am not waiting for someone or something to tell me what to do. I am existing with a rough plan of what the day has in store for me, and not anxious about people.

I am not anxious about people.

That is such a bold statement for a person with social anxiety to make. Even more so for a person with autism. We have social anxiety basically built into our DNA. Whether it is getting mail, a text, not a phone call (those go unanswered), or an email, these unexpected forms of communication just rush at us, and we don’t usually know how to handle them. I am reminded that my time is my own and that nothing has to be done right now. It is definitely a luxury I have that a lot of people don’t, and I know I am lucky in that way!

Think of it. How much of the pressure to answer quickly is from the other person, and how much do we THINK is from the other person, but is actually an expectation we place on ourselves to please the other person? What if we let that societal norm go and didn’t answer our phones for an hour while we were in the middle of a conversation or movie? Would the world end? There are very, very few people who have enough responsibility in the world for whom that is the case. We may think we are important, but we are not that important in the grand scheme of things.

What societal standards can you let go to put your mind at ease and truly relax away from the pressures of the world?

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