You, Me, and Everyone In Between

You, Me, and Everyone In Between

 

I’m learning a lot about the relationship with myself first and foremost in this spiraling mess of time since coming out as autistic. I say coming out as autistic, because much like a lot of people “know you’re gay” before you do, I had A LOT of people tell me “you might be on the spectrum” which made me get tested. And much like coming out as gay, it affected me long before I had words for it. Just finding the words have been a relief, and yes, I acted a little gayer when I first came out before I settled in. And no, I DID NOT mean to “act all autistic” when I was diagnosed. It just sort of hit me like a house falling out of the sky hit a woman who was in a wheelchair who finally got to walk again after getting magic shoes!

The more I put it together, the more I wonder… did my early mental health issues come from actually having mental health diagnoses, or did they come from being autistic and from being placed in a new environment away from everything I ever knew, in more stimulating environments with less quiet time and more smells, noises, and lights, less sleep, more educational stress, etc? My mother had a history of depression, and she had a history of trauma that would lead anyone to be depressed and have PTSD. But was my depression hereditary or was it autism showing itself as dysregulation and nobody knew what was going on?

I can’t help but wonder.

Even now, my depression is lower than normal, but is that because of the medication and therapy I’m on, or is that because I’m suddenly realizing I’m autistic, I’m taking steps to unmask, and my anxiety has decreased because I am taking steps to rest because of burnout? I’m not saying life has been “easier” or “more productive” except for the past two days, but I feel more like myself yesterday and today… kind of a balance between the masked and unmasked me. I can still be productive, but I can take rest when I need it, and I need it more now because of surgery and because I’m resting from burnout and because I’m still wondering how Functional Neurological Disorder is draining my energy and stigma so much! I’m trying not to push myself so hard, but everyone is frustrated by how short of walks I can take, and the more I push myself, the longer it takes to recuperate.

Everyone all the time outside of dystonia and Functional Neurological Disorder basically say to exercise all the time because it’s so good for you, and yet you have ZERO energy and stamina when you have those conditions. “Take it easy” they say. “Don’t rush yourself” they say. I want to tell them to shove it up my tunnel vision I get after walking two or three blocks, but then I would fall down and where would I be then?

Why does everything I write turn sour? I need a more positive attitude! I need to hang around people with a more positive attitude, which I am, I think, for the most part… I haven’t been hanging around very many people…

It’s raining outside, and I love listening to the rain. As long as I don’t have to be out in it, there’s something peaceful about the rain. The sound of the drops falling against the roof makes a nice background to whatever you are doing. It reminds you that whatever you have planned, nature has its own plan. You can either go with it or try to fight it, but it will continue nonetheless.

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