Needing People or Wanting People?

Needing People or Wanting People?

 

I always thought it was a romantic notion to need somebody to love. I read romantic stories mixed with fantasy and always imagined that someday I would fall in love with someone in a way that made my breath catch and my heart beat. I came out as celibate when I realized that I didn’t feel sexually towards women whatsoever, so finding a mate was out of the question for me. I had to give up the true love’s kiss notion that, let’s all agree, society love’s to tell over and over again. So I thought I would find it in a strong support system of friendships instead. I would have a group of friends so strong, a community so great, that it wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.

But nobody offers that, at least not that I’ve found. The church lies if they say they do. I haven’t met a church single’s group that’s not disguised to try to get singles to not be single anymore or to find “wholeness in God” while really telling people “find a spouse or you’ll be lonely the rest of your life because God only has a plan for you and your spouse.”

I grieved the notion so hard that when it came time to find a spouse, I treated them as just another friend. I think I got so used to “spiritual friendships” my circle called them, that I had lost all notion of what dating felt like. I was never allowed to date anyone I wanted to date, so I had never gone on a date until I was in my 20s, and even then, let’s be honest, those were not “dates.” My whole separation of relationship between friend and soul mate was gone, and it wasn’t until meeting my spouse that I had a wake up call as to what it looked like. Even these days I am making emotional and intellectual decisions as to what are boundaries I should be telling ANYone, and who I should be telling. Part of that was because I grew up where my family, community, and church knew pretty much everything about me. There were no secrets.

The day I came out to myself as “gay” (this is a sexual attraction that isn’t going to change no matter how much I try to pray it away, and I can’t keep fighting it), I came out to every member of my immediate family, and the next work day I came out to my coworkers. Mixed reactions from everyone, of course, but there was no processing time for myself. There was no time for me to understand what was going through my head or heart before I was doing damage control of my reputation and how everyone perceived me.

That’s how my life has been up until now, and I think I’m still doing so in a way.

I thought telling people I was autistic was being open and telling my truth… a way to destigmatize what it means and for us to learn together exactly what that means, especially for me. But it is kind of just another attention grabber. As much as I want to say I’m past attention grabbing, it’s a hard addiction to quit! I went from needing everyone’s attention to hardly talking to people on a regular basis. But I’m writing more often (I don’t know if for myself to process my emotions or to try to get feedback from people and say “look at me”). I am inspired by a new friend I made who I basically just know is a friend of a friend on Facebook and writes an uplifting newsletter called Bridges of Light. It’s positivity every morning, which can be a little much, but sometimes you just need it.

What I meant to say with this whole post is that sometimes you feel like you need the attention of people. You can’t sit by yourself and are afraid to. But sitting with yourself is sometimes the best thing we can do. It’s by facing the fear of the thing we can’t control that we learn we could never control it in the first place, and that’s where healing begins. I probably read that somewhere. I was diagnosed with autism and suddenly felt like all my friendships and relationships were being faked. I suddenly relied only on myself. I turned off my gadgets. Almost nobody reached out. I just shut the world and the blinding noise that I had been yearning to be a part of forever out and just listened to myself. I didn’t hear myself.

I didn’t hear myself because there was nothing to hear. They say the mask is part you, and some of that is true. I had a personality. I had quirks. I had friends. I had a story.

I can’t even think of a way to put it that makes sense right now. It’s just… different. I found me. I no longer have to chase being a mirror of the right person in society because I am going to never fit in. I AM NEVER GOING TO FIT IN. And realizing that was obviously devastating to a degree that few people can comprehend. “But you never seemed all that autistic before. Why the sudden change now?” Now is when I realized all the extra work I’ve been putting in “making it look easy” while you guys have actually been having it easy. Just because it looks easy doesn’t mean it’s easy.

But I am never going to fit in. No matter how hard I try to make it look easy, you will always see through the cracks. You will see that I am different. And that frees me to take away some of that energy trying to convince you that I’m like you and put it towards something… anything… that truly matters.

And with that, I have moved from desperately clinging to messaging anyone and everyone who might be available to talk to me to fill up the emptiness that was me avoiding myself to taking a step back. Filling my space. And wondering who I want to invite into my space.

Do you NEED people in your life to fill a void or avoid something?

Or do you WANT people in your life to complement an already flourishing picture?