It's Going to Be Okay

It’s Going to Be Okay

 

It’s going to be okay. Maybe not in this moment. Maybe not today, or even this week or month. But eventually, it will be. I’m not saying it’s going to turn sunshine and rainbows in the next second, because that’s not how life works, but there are ebbs and flows to life, and it will eventually be okay again. It might take some elbow grease to dig out the stains that life throws at you, but if you love deeply and let go freely, the tides will eventually turn. The mind rebuilds itself. The soul can learn how to pick itself up shattered off the ground and make itself anew. Like muscles that grow stronger (gosh, I really, REALLY hate that analogy), things that are torn can, in some instances, grow back together again.

I would say with support, but I no longer believe that to be the case. You see, I wrote this long speech about how I was going to mask better for the sake of the community. I did it today, and my husband seemed happier with me. I was happier with me is the fucked up thing! I don’t want to be autistic!!! I never asked for this! I’m diving into the research like I’m the one who thought this whole diagnosis up, but I’m just trying to figure out what my life has been the entire time!!! My husband just asked if I wanted ice cream and like the good little masked person I was while having a meltdown I pulled my face together and said “no thank you” and that was that. THIS IS WHAT AN AUTISTIC PERSON GOES THROUGH. Maybe nobody believes them when the mask finally does crumble because we’ve had to be so good at hiding for so long playacting in a world that is not our own.

And I don’t know what to say. Nothing about that exchange was his fault. He doesn’t know what I’m going through, and I can only express it to him through blog posts and emails because all I can see when I try to open my mouth and think about something serious to talk with him face to face is my own temper tantrums or worse, my dad’s. And I don’t know if it’s a developmental delayed thing or a trauma thing, but I’m scared speechless every time, and it’s been so much worse since the autism diagnosis. I don’t know what it is about talking to people, but my nerves are stretched thin and I think it’s just burnout. I’m so burned out trying to read people’s faces and tone of voice and nobody says anything literally and it’s so fucking exhausting. It just is. You don’t know how exhausting it is. At least by text you can hopefully read the literal sense of my words.

I’m sorry. It will all be okay. I do truly believe that. Through all of this, and I’m laughing in my mind, I honestly think that it will be okay. We’ve all been through our traumas, okay, but we’ve made it this far so far, right? Right now, let’s take a breath and breath. It will all be okay.

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