Two Open Doors

Two Open Doors

 

We like to think of a relationship as a two-way street, but I was reminded lately that sometimes it’s like two open doors. One person says “I’m free whenever you are!” and the other person replies “same!” Nothing ever gets done and bugs get inside both houses with doors wide open. Nobody ever initiates the conversation. Nobody knocks on the door. It takes walking to the other house for a conversation to happen.

For the longest time, I was the one initiating conversation, and I loved doing it. I would see a face pop up on Messenger or on my texting app and start with a “how are you?” I really wanted to know how my friend was doing. If they were doing well, that was great! I had no saving to do! My work was done, all was right with that corner of my world. Nobody went into detail as to why they were good or great or fine. They just were. If someone wasn’t fine, I could find out why not and try to offer encouragement or counsel or at least just be with them in sadness.

But as soon as I got diagnosed with autism, I realized something. There were two things at play. I was encouraging people, which I loved to do and gained energy from doing… but I was also people pleasing and trying to fit in with people, which drained energy and left me feeling used. So I went on a tirade against all my friends who I initiated conversations with… which was all of them!

I received mixed reviews: some said “well, my door was always left open.” Most said nothing. Some actually reached out after specific instructions in my post that it was too late to reach out and that I needed alone time to recuperate. I was having a meltdown and just didn’t need people at that moment. I felt like all my friends had stabbed me in the back at that moment and my entire socialization up until that moment had been a lie. Plus my job had been overwhelming.

Check on your friends who check on you. They might not be okay. They might be tired of taking on the burden of the entire conversation all the time.

I also realized it was unhealthy for me to White Knight everyone. I had been doing that my entire life, and it was finally too much. The White Knight fell off his horse, and nobody was there to pick him up. I asked what few friends I felt comfortable with what their schedules were like because I didn’t feel comfortable asking for help, and they were busy. They didn’t realize it because I never ask for help. But I never ask for help. It is NOT their fault that they were busy. That is not what I am saying. I am saying nobody was there for me. My husband was there for me, but there is a special type of support friends bring that a husband just…doesn’t, or maybe I just don’t have relationships figured out yet. I don’t know. I know that the full support of one person is too much for a singular person to bare on their own.

I think another thing I learned is to prioritize the right people. I learned who my real friends were. Those are the people who I will pour into and who will pour into me likewise. I can’t keep pouring into a cup who doesn’t pour into me. I think I made promises recently that I need to break, and it breaks my heart. There are people who need me that I simply cannot provide support for emotionally right now. I have to cut down my friends list to less than twenty people. We weren’t made to talk to hundreds of people. I have to do what’s best for my mental health, and that’s drawing boundaries around who I talk to.

What do you need to do for your mental health?

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