Let's Be Honest

Let’s Be Honest


I’ve been struggling to write the past few days because I’ve been struggling to engage with life the past few days. We just got back from visiting friends this weekend, and I don’t know if they noticed, but my husband has noticed for a while that I have been disengaged from life. I don’t know if it’s my meds or my depression, my pain coming back, the fear of getting a job that may be traumatizing again, or everything else going on in my mind, but I haven’t been myself. I’m going to try to unwind it here.

I think my depression is back. I went from Partial Hospitalization to blogging to decluttering and organizing the house to cooking to being overwhelmed by politics and now am stuck in this waiting game while I shop to find any joy anymore, and nothing is bringing me joy. Everything feels like a chore. Holding hands and cuddling with my husband are the only things that feel right, but even then I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed because there are so many things I want to buy, but we aren’t supposed to be in buying mode. We are supposed to be in savings mode. I bought three new pairs of shoes. One has arrived and I haven’t opened it yet. It costs as much as the other two combined, but are the ones I like the best! I don’t even want to open the box, because what if I can’t send them back after I see them and feel them??? I plan on opening the other two once they arrive later this week, returning one of those, and just keeping the other pair. Then I will feel much better about myself. But even then I feel like it’s a splurge I shouldn’t have done. I keep looking at loose leaf tea and personal blenders, and if it’s not one thing, it’s another thing. I just can’t help myself no matter how much I tell myself we don’t need it.

I find it harder and harder to live with myself. Maybe it’s because I’m changing, but the change has been rough, and not everything has been for the better. I feel like I’m finding my voice, but in finding my voice, I want to do things differently than I’ve let things happen the last three decades of my life, and everyone around me just expects life to just continue the way things are. I don’t know how to say “no, my life is different now” and still experiment with what I want when I should have done that at least ten years ago. I feel I’m withdrawing from my husband to find my own voice and yet his opinion is hurting me more and more when it’s not in line with my opinion on something. But I don’t know how to tell him that without letting anger get in the way. It’s not anger at him. It’s usually never anger at him. He’s just trying his best to support me, and I’m trying my best to support him!

I feel like I never got good relationship advice growing up, and it was never modeled correctly for me. It was all about putting God first, and then magically everything else would work itself out. That was kind of the philosophy for everything that I was taught growing up. That’s why I had the bravery I did until my mom died and then my own car accident. I could do any challenge, live anywhere with a duffel bag of clothes, go anywhere, as long as God was with me. Then God and his entire community betrayed me, and my entire safety net crumbled. Perhaps that’s why I’ve had such a difficult time feeling truly safe in a long time. That and once someone dies from a mistake you made, nothing is ever safe again.

I just want to feel like my life has meaning again. Right now I don’t feel like I’m doing anything besides worrying and shopping and feeling guilty about shopping. I want to learn, but there’s so much to learn, and I don’t know what to learn about! Do I start with relationships, and what specifically do I start with, because that’s a giant category to learn about. Do I learn about politics, or is that just going to make me curl into a ball and cry? Do I keep on the path of mental health, and where do I go next with that? So many questions and options to consider, it’s difficult to know what to do next.

What is the next step in your life?

Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 2, 2025 at 5:18 PM

    Mark, it sounds like your mind is at war with itself. You are pushing forward in so many positive ways that parts of your mind want to put the brakes on and retreat into what was familiar and safe. I think you are making tremendous progress as it is good to reward yourself and buy things that you need. Keeping the pair of shoes you love and returning the ones you don't is a great step forward.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 7, 2025 at 8:21 AM

    Anonymous, it seems by reading your post that you over analyze your life.. it’s normal to have sad depressed feeling , but then allow the positive feelings to return. Life was never meant to always be easy , it’s your character (all) that’s pulls one through. You are not a unique individual; never met anyone who didn’t have to deal with ups and downs. Sometimes one needs to just live and let life happen .

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