I Cannot Be Superman

I Can’t Be Superman

I am not emotionally regulated. Basically what that means is that I don’t have a steady baseline of emotions that I stay at. I have different moods that can switch from an hour long nap to several days. I don’t have bipolar disorder. I just seem to have good days where I can be productive and conquer the world and bad days where I don’t do so hot. Someone close to me pointed out that I was just on a high when I thought maybe I was on a new baseline, and that started me spiraling down. I’ve been trying to hide it from everyone, because the last thing I wanted was for him to be right. I wanted to be productive a few hours each day. I wanted to generally be in a good mood with enough rest and naps, even though I wake up several times each night for a couple hours each. I want to be future thinking and not stuck in the past.

Speaking of which, I finally dropped off the last of my stuff at work. I am officially forever free from that job. Every time I tried to do it myself, I kept getting nightmares. Finally I got sick when I put it on my schedule to do. I just couldn’t stomach it. It wasn’t like they weren’t good people either! They were. They just didn’t know what they were doing coupled with what I was going through. They should have fired me long ago, but instead they dragged it out until I had to quit because of my health. I should feel relief. All I feel is numb.

I’m watching a bird out the window. A small bird pecking at some food on the patio. It brings a smile to my face. I am reminded that not all is bad in the world. I will get the energy back. I will be positive again. I will not let my argument with my friend or my old work drag me down. Besides those ten minutes today, I had a wonderful day with my husband! Things are better. I do not have to be Superman every day.

I keep talking about how it’s okay to be depressed, but I don’t think I describe a day with depression and anxiety. Yesterday was a very mild day with both. I woke up ready to do a list of ten things. I did two or three. I felt sick, but the sickness was actually my mental health spilling over into my physical health. I know this because I’ve been at this long enough to know it wouldn’t last very long. I mostly just slept, listened to music and my meditations, and sorted clothes that needed donated and for my husband to go through before they go to Goodwill. I don’t mention my aches and pains very much because I don’t cry from them anymore. That and I’m on the maximum meds my doctors can prescribe and my pain management specialist said basically I just need therapy to make it all go away and physical therapy to keep everything moving and flexible until that happens. 

Depression isn’t like something saying “is it okay if we don’t do anything today” and you sigh and get back into bed. Depression is a weight on every part of your body, including the brain, that makes everything a hundred times harder. Imagine if holding a cup of water for five seconds took the same amount of energy it took as if holding it for ten minutes? Imagine if you felt like you stood on your feet all day long moving around, but you were barely on your feet enough to shower, if even that long. There have been plenty of days where I have taken showers later in the day because it took all day to gather my strength to stand the ten or fifteen minutes to do so. But sitting and moving my hands didn’t take as much energy, so I could do other things. Some things your brain has been tricked into needing BIG amounts of energy to do. Some things, especially if you haven’t done them before, can take up “less energy” since your brain hasn’t calculated the energy amount needed for that specific task, so it doesn’t know what’s required until your back aches, you barely make it up the stairs to bed, and you cry into your pillow. And that’s just depression.

Now imagine if you have anxiety on top of that. Anxiety is the opposite but worst enemy of depression. It tells you everything is wrong. All at once. And you have to do everything about it right now! Depression doesn’t care. So anxiety has every nerve on fire, wanting you to jump out of your skin. All that energy you’re trying to save up for that shower? Anxiety is using it against unseen enemies. And the rational part of your brain has almost no control over here. You can use grounding techniques, but depending on how long you use them, how much you’ve practiced them, and how much time you’re willing to spend on them, you could spend half the day working on ten minutes of calm just for your depression to have you fall asleep once you’re not too wired. And no, I’m not joking.

That’s a brief glimpse into depression and anxiety. Those descriptions got a little more than your average day, but imagine any level of those two fighting in the same body, at the same time, and you can imagine how exhausting it can be—no matter what meds you’re on, how many times you have therapy, what doctors you see, or what your support network looks like.

Any questions?