Through the Rain

The Things We Gave Up On   I was reminded by several things this in the past day—a conversation with a friend, a Taylor Tomlinson post (if you aren’t following her, why aren’t you???), and thoughts of my own life and how it has spiraled, especially lately—we all have goals that we gave up on. We had dreams of becoming firefighters and the President and astronauts which then became tempered into artists and politicians and librarians and then… what did we settle with? What have we settled with in the past 24 hours? What did we stop dreaming of five, ten years ago? What kid paintings did we either toss in the trash or repress in a closet saying “I can’t let anyone see that side of me” anymore? If anything, it reminds me of two of the times I unmasked in childhood and later in youth. Without realizing it, in kindergarten, most introverted children like me are shy. But during the Christmas play, the teachers said to just “let loose, and give it your all!” I figured, what’s the wo...

The Littlest Things   Yesterday it was a mixed drink and apple pie and an f you attitude. Today it’s just exhaustion and pain and a cup of hot coffee. That first sip that turned into a long drink somehow managed to bring down my pain a couple notches and stop my left foot from tremoring for now. I wanted to jump out of my body, but now I just want to itch myself to death. It’s the little things in life that keep us going. Don’t discount them. I would stay and chat, but honestly I have nothing left to say right now, my foot is starting to twitch again, and I can’t decide what activity to “try to do” for five minutes before failing at it because of the pain… even sleeping. Be the best you can be. Even if for today. You can do it!

A Rum and Soda and Apple Pie   Oh, I have apple pie! Yay! I forgot! Sorry, I got distracted with… organizing the past to make way for the future. The reason for the rum and soda with some apple pie? I’ve been living with level, oh I don’t know, pain since last Wednesday and it’s next week Thursday now. About a month ago I clocked level eight pain that I couldn’t get out of bed coursing through my whole body. Then there was level nine tooth pain where I couldn’t sleep, the pain was so bad and so present that I was living in hell each millisecond I went from crying in pain to falling asleep and back again. I reserved 10 of course for giving birth, even though I will never give birth myself. So since that experience, I’ve been brought to my knees with exhaustion instantly, I’ve had lava coursing through my veins. Who’s to say what a pain level is anymore? Especially if I can bite an unknown bullet, “pull up my boot straps,” and be ableist and “just do it”? That’s what I did Mo...

Social Outings   Social outings have changed significantly from March to July 2025 since I’ve been diagnosed to now. It used to be that I put up with the background noise, mostly lip-read my way through conversations, and prayed the night would end. That hasn’t changed. What has changed is now that we are all aware of my autism, I have more cocktails, might excuse myself abruptly, or might hurry along the goodbyes. Also, the crashing period looks different. Granted, the few times we have been out have been extreme compared to what we were in before, especially compared to the isolation I have clung to since “coming out.” It definitely feels like a coming out. New community, new paradigm, new things to follow or not follow. New freedoms to express yourself and be yourself. Anyway, we went all out for my sister’s birthday. A weekend out in Pittsburgh with sights and sounds and craziness. Okay, there was an eleven year old involved, so it wasn’t that crazy, but I went inside a make-up...

The Reason for the Blog   The original thought behind the blog was for me to write my experience and hopefully gain a following of people to educate them on what I had experienced and maybe of people to see that they weren’t alone. But the original thought of the blog was to write out my trauma so others could see it… just to get it out of my head. I wrote my 100 th post, and seeing light at the end of the tunnel, I thought I had come to the conclusion that I needed a break. Or, more vulnerably and pridefully, that I had reached a new level and no longer needed a blog. I was ready for something new. I was ready to make “an actual difference in the world,” and a blog just wasn’t going to do it. I lost sight of what the blog was for, and in losing sight of it, I lost a coping mechanism that I had used for months, thinking I no longer needed it because I was in a good place, and because I was in a good place, it took me a while to realize I needed it back. I didn’t need views...