A Long Time Coming

A Long Time Coming


Sorry it’s been a while since I last wrote. I’ve been through a lot the past few… days. I had an eye exam and was told my right eye wasn’t seeing correctly, and it definitely wasn’t! My dad wrote back after months of silence and used a different email address so I opened it not knowing it was him writing me back. I know this is supposed to be a place of vulnerability and openness where I share what’s been going on with me, but that’s exactly why I’ve been so closed off lately. I don’t want the world to have access to me. I was raised that nothing was private, and I’ve lived my life where nothing was private except for the deeply shameful things… the things I regretted, the things I have hidden, the things that held me back.

Recently it strained my relationships with everyone. Both being too open and not being open enough. I set the wrong boundaries. It’s been a long time coming, but it’s time to get this right. I know in the past I said I needed to focus on myself, but I need to focus on my relationship with my husband. I need to focus on healthy relationships with friends. I need to find worth in myself outside of productivity. And it needs to last longer than a day or a week. 

This type of blog is over. My blog is changing. How it’s changing, I’m not sure yet. I came in thinking that it was over. After the first few sentences, I thought I would take a hiatus to recenter myself and then see what would happen next. Now I think I can use this productively to keep myself accountable. I will say what I am grateful for, what I am learning about myself, what funny moments life has to offer, and maybe, just maybe the struggles I am going through. But the struggles are no longer going to be the focus of this. I’m done with the past. My husband aptly put it as I am a trauma addict. I say it one day and then relapse and then get to a good spot and then eventually relapse, but I have seen growth in myself, even if he hasn’t seen it yet. I have hope.

I am grateful for my husband, even though it’s after Valentine’s Day. It’s not about Valentine’s Day. It’s about second and third and fourth chances. It’s about waking up every day committed to seeing the same person growing and loving beside you. I am grateful for his cute smile and his playful side. I am grateful for his decisiveness, especially when I get overwhelmed and can’t make a choice.

I will continue being grateful for him, even when he pushes me into things I don’t want to do. It helps me to get out of my comfort zone, and that’s one of the things I like about him. He’s encouraging. And he believes in what he stands for strongly, but is willing to change his mind when presented with facts that contradict what he believes. He’s willing to back the science, not blind faith. And he helps keep me informed, especially about the weather! I love him so much.

It’s been a long time coming, but this blog is leaving the past behind. No more blame. No more shame. The past is the past, and even though it likes hitting me like a bat over the head, I will keep on walking.

What are you grateful for today?

Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 15, 2025 at 11:33 AM

    Hurray!!! This I think is the light bulb going on . We have had talks about this and hopefully the door is shut on the past traumas !
    Look at what you have now. Appreciate everyday you have with someone you love so deeply and grow together. Be strong be positive! Life is full of wonder and adventure! Explore new things and become a new you. Someone that’s been pushed down so low and bring this new you up! 🙏🏻🤗

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 15, 2025 at 11:53 AM

    This is a brave step forward for you, and for you and Paul. I love and support you both so much ❤️

    ReplyDelete

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